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Monday, July 5th, 2004
2:22 am - this is an interesting one...
How to make a nudetulip

5 parts pride

1 part humour

1 part ego
Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of lustfulness

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Saturday, July 3rd, 2004
12:30 pm - everybody's doing it...
Wackiness: 78/100
Rationality: 50/100
Constructiveness: 92/100
Leadership: 40/100

You are a WECF--Wacky Emotional Constructive Follower. This makes you a candle burning at both ends. You work until you drop, and you play until you can stand to work again. You have so much enthusiasm that you can find it hard to control on your own, and you appreciate the guidance that channels your energy and lets you be your best.

In a relationship, you require lots of attention and support. You often over-contribute and end up feeling depleted and cheated. You may benefit from more time alone than you grant yourself.

Your driving force is the emotional support of others--especially affection. You can run on empty for miles if you have positive energy behind you. Without it--as it occasionally must run dry--you are depressive, listless, and difficult to motivate.

You need a lot of affection. Get it any way you can, but never at the cost of your self-respect or well-being.

do it

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12:15 am
i want to feel passionate about music again.
i never find anything new that i can really love or even that holds my attention.
all my old loves, i've already listened to on repeat to get those same great feelings all over again.

please, someone recommend me some new music that might be able to excite me.
(my old passions: violent femmes, bright eyes, our lady peace, tori amos, etc.)

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Sunday, June 27th, 2004
2:30 pm - lesbian sex
did you know there is lesbian sex on TV now? there was last night on oxygen. i was playing the TV to try to drown out the sound of the ringing in my ears.

then i had lesbian dreamsCollapse )

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Friday, June 18th, 2004
2:15 am - freebird
i want to tell him to go
but i'm terrified of losing him
of a month's worth of laying on my bed missing him, aching for his touch and wondering if i'll ever feel it again
i want to be brave
but i'm scared to be crushed under the weight of
one more day of being alone

i've lost my love too many times to let it happen again

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Wednesday, June 16th, 2004
12:48 am
i am now a D&D-playing nerd! (dungeons and dragons)
and someone told me i remind them of Daria (the cartoon). what a great compliment.

the new peter pan is a fucking awesome movie. go see it.

"to live....
would be an awfully big adventure,"

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Monday, June 7th, 2004
1:14 pm
when there's nothing left to be said,
how will we know?
or will we just go on saying all the same things over again
never realizing that they stopped meaning anything so long ago
or will we never get to that point?
how will we know?

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Friday, May 21st, 2004
10:52 am
my mom keeps talking to me
i don't have the energy to respond, nor the heart to tell her to go away
she's playing her gospel music
oh the misery
i'd forgotten what it's like to be me
is this it?
i wish i had a life to belong to

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Monday, May 17th, 2004
11:23 am
i'm going to john's apartment
to help him out with some stuff
probably won't be writing here for a while
won't be home

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Sunday, May 9th, 2004
5:05 am - pretty girl
does it comfort you to know
how easily you enchant?
just a few words, a smile,
a confident illusion?
boys fall at your feet,
or druel,
fight over you.
you help them to their feet
take them in your arms
let them take a knife and pry you open
and the things they find-
and all that's left is a trail of dust and tears
you're a reflection of all their worst fears


?? Which Natural Wonder Or Disaster Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

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Friday, May 7th, 2004
3:21 pm - but i know no one can save me but me
i had a 2 day sob fest, got it all out. got to the point where i was almost ready to do it, really off myself (but i reminded myself that i was supposed to wait till my birthday until i was allowed to) i was able to reach my lowest and come back without doing anything.
and i think i'm in a bit of a better place now. i'm trying to restore my hope. and move on, and know that i can live without him. even choose that i want to live without him, that i can be happy and maybe even better off without him. believing that would be a stretch but maybe i can get there.

i've been more inspired. i have a few ideas for novels i want to write. I want to go camping on my birthday. I want to take a writing class. As soon as I get off the computer I'm going to take a book and walk down to the creek and sit under a tree and read.

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12:24 am - 911
i've never been this alone and this in pain before.

every time i wake up all i can think of, immidiately, is how much i've lost. how happy i was with him, and how i'd give anything to get that back. and how i blew it, and now i have no chance. it hurts too much to even try to make it better. it hurts to much to breath. and once again i am overwelmed by pain with no one to tell my feelings to, a repeat of the major traumas of my childhood, only this time more excruciating.

somebody save me.

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Monday, May 3rd, 2004
4:43 am
"but just don't ask about my appetite
i didn't lose it tonight
it's been gone half my life
it's just i...
i've been eating for you. "
-Bright Eyes

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Sunday, May 2nd, 2004
1:08 am
i've stopped trying to hide the cuts
everyone should know i've lost everything
and i'm too ashamed to hide it
i lost everything that meant anything to me
i know it must be my fault
touched by evil
to an extent that no one understands
i know i must be evil
because i'm just completely alone
and i desserve this
what made me think i could ever will my heart to stop beating?
when i can't even will myself to sleep

(1 comment | comment on this)

Tuesday, April 27th, 2004
1:20 am
so much has been going on that i can't even explain. and even if i did, you might not understand or not believe me.
i will say this. i am doing ok.

me and nate finally had a real conversation and he is helping me to figure all this out. he's coming over tomorrow.

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Monday, April 26th, 2004
9:05 am
i don't know what the hell is happening to me. I really don't.
i've been chainsmoking like a motherfucker (not that i have anything against motherfuckers, but anyways...)
i haven't slept.
i haven't ate.
i haven't been myself.

i'm losing control and i'm losing my sense of reality. to be honest, i am terrified. and i have no one to talk to.

molly is crying because no one loves her.

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Saturday, April 24th, 2004
3:04 am
going through the motions
i wish i had motions to go through
you were the reason i lived

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Tuesday, April 20th, 2004
1:50 pm - drug induced
a raping of the senses
the chaotic background you've slipped into
blurs into lights, sound, touch, confusion
behind the smoke cloud slowly filling up your lungs
you are choking on your choices and phlegm
you are lost in a defferred vision
of an escapist dream
you are looking for that thing you lost in the sea of clutter
you're nearly invisible to the people you love the most
as you all simultaneously
pin yourselves down in the midst of the smoke and chaos
and proceed to pulsate
the room isn't spinning so much as your mind
nothing stays in focus for long
now you've lost what little grasp you've had
you're an infant in this mess you've slipped into
drowning while searching for some kind of diagram
some kind of answer to why you've done this to yourself
and how to stop choking on what you did

i had a dream i was in my room and the drug scene just came flooding back in with me...Collapse )

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12:01 am - i made my own meme!!!
What will your next life be like? by myimaginaryband
fork or spoon?
yin or yang?
In highschool you will be known as:a Cobain-ite
Your career:search enginge tweaker
your spouse will be:your catholic priest (you seduced him)
your gender:female
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

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Sunday, April 18th, 2004
4:12 am - pray
addictions run wild
handheld remote control with no batteries
frantically searching through kitchen cupboards in the nude
dreams of crawling inside and shutting the door
in your dreams there are no locks
just rows and rows of ribbons
to loop around your vulnerable body
hiding from the things that pull you down from the inside
i always pray at night because that's when it's darkest
i only pray when i'm afraid
and i never believe in what i say

(1 comment | comment on this)

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